My purpose in starting this blog is to share my experience, strength and hope with others, and to hear about others' experience, strength and hope on the topics of spirituality and the 12 step philosophy. Please note, I refer to my Higher Power as God, but this is just my preference. The 12 step philosophy is based on your own personal concept of a higher power. Any and all concepts are welcome here.

I've been on a quest to know my Higher Power (whom I choose to call God) for most of my life. At the age of 17 I experienced my first spiritual awakening. That day, in the span of a few seconds, God spoke volumes to me. At that moment, and for awhile afterward, I was sure God loved me absolutely and unconditionally.

I began attending church and reading the Bible every day. The urge to drink left me. Things were going well in my life. A friend asked me to be maid of honor at her wedding. The inevitable happened. I drank again, got very drunk and indiscretions followed. I woke up the next morning feeling horribly guilty and remorseful, which was amplified 100 times, because I supposedly knew better. I began wondering if God would still love me. Doubt became a way of life for me.

For many years thereafter I repeated this same behaviour: periods of sobriety and attending church to periods of drinking, using drugs and partying. I was bewildered at myself and suffered extremely low self-esteem. My relationship with God was disconnected.

At the age of 45 I was addicted to crack cocaine and living in slum conditions. I was at my absolute bottom. Even though I firmly believed God despised me, I got down on my knees anyway and begged him to take this away. I told him I would do anything. I went to my first 12 step meeting that evening. What I received from that meeting was a glimmer of hope, which kept me coming back. I stayed clean and sober for 15 months and then relapsed. The whole 15 months was extremely difficult, as my partner was still using. We barely had enough money for food and rent. My relapse lasted a year and a half, with a few months sobriety here and there. I went to a treatment centre in March, 2007 and have been clean and sober ever since. As soon as I got home from treatment, I joined a step group, and have been working the 12 steps ever since. I also belong to two other 12 step fellowships for other issues in my life.

The biggest change for me this past 3 years has been that the fear I experienced for countless years is disappearing. This is thanks to persistent use of the 'fear prayer' contained in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. It goes like this "God, please remove my fear (of) and direct my attention to what you would have me be". The book says, at once we begin to outgrow fear. What I love about the 12 steps is that they are very simple and they work! Please write and tell me about anything that is on your mind.